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SEEKING VALIDATION IN A RELATIONSHIP 3: Issues to Heal in “Me” before there’s a “We”

Honestly, some relationships will have you thinking:  “Wow, he started speaking, and I started listening. The more his words entered in my ear, the more my mind believed that what he desired of me was worth giving him. He said whatever was necessary to be voted into my life, but he had no intention of being devoted to my heart.”

Ever experienced being in this state before? Ever wonder why? Whether shared verbally or visually, words can severely impact a woman’s emotions and mindset. Ultimately, they can alter the course of your life.

There’s nothing wrong with accepting compliments and motivational words from a man. But worshipping words that drip from a man’s mouth is absolutely dangerous! Many single women have voids inside that constant feast off of a never-ending hunger for validation from a man. “Affirm me!” “Rescue me with your applause!” “Justify me!” “Put your stamp of approval on me!”

So what are some causes of this dependency? Here are three reasons why you might seek validation in a relationship.

1. Poor Self-Image

Perhaps it began during childhood when you were repeatedly criticized, berated, or beaten. As you’ve gotten older, you might have become driven by a man’s approval because you still view yourself as the same little girl who is unworthy of being cherished. Maybe you’ve moved away to college and have been trying to live up to the “status quo of companionship” on campus. But somehow the confidence you had in high school has dwindled to zilch. Now you’re uber depressed and strategizing galore over meeting “the one” before you graduate.

Or maybe you haven’t dated in a while and recently went to a speed-dating event or decided to give online dating a shot. Your constant craving for attention and quick replies are literally dictating your mood swings moment by moment. Some of your co-workers are having to tip-toe around you in the office lately because your temperament is officially high-strung due to holding out for a complete stranger’s validation of you. Having a poor self-image will have you attracted to someone out of desperation vs. a loving connection.

2. Selfishness

Vying for validation can cause you to be selfish and inconsiderate of a man’s time, efforts, and feelings. There have been many women throughout history who exploited the weaknesses of men just to feel validated. Delilah teased and tantalized Samson. Cleopatra seduced Julius Caesar, Marc Antony, and many other Roman generals. Catherine the Great was known for playing with men as toys and then hiring them to interview her next lover. Wow. Talk about being bold with two snaps!

Selfishly deceiving men through sex, flirtatious luring, or entrapment is degrading to say the least. A “Shegotistic” (egotistical) woman is self-centered and doesn’t care about hurting others. Men are not to be treated as boy toys you pick up and throw down. They have hearts and destinies to fulfill too.

Be wise. Your influence can make a man’s
knees buckle without throwing a jab.

3. Role Exchange

Recently a friend of mine, Nathan, along with his friend had been meeting various women who are good-looking, stylish, and charming. However, the initial attraction went downhill once they got a closer look. Or shall I say, a closer listen. They vividly sensed how these particular women heavily relied on men to fill their void of self-worth. He admitted, “That’s too much for us as men to take on and too big of a job for us to do! At first, it’s surprising, because you believe she’s a complete package. But it winds up being a complete turn-off in the end. If the expectations of a man are beyond the universe, a man is going to do an about face and look elsewhere.” A man may rock a cape like Superman, but it doesn’t mean he can cope or contend with doing God’s job. So salute honest men and wise up, ladies!

Ladies, many of us have a tendency to misconstrue how we view God and man. They are different. Quit trying to make them switch roles in your life! A man is not designed to completely define you or give you unadulterated fulfillment in life (and neither is he capable).

The scary side of validation dependency is forgetting that Men. Are. Human. In no way, shape, or form do I condone or concur with male bashing. I can’t imagine life, much less a day without men (insert a few bars of the “Hallelujah” chorus here). But honestly, men have mood swings, too, and their opinions of you will inevitably change.

So whenever you approach a relationship, always remember that you are already a beautiful woman who must cherish herself before a man does. Avoid selfish and manipulative actions to coerce a man to validate you. Understand a man might compliment you, but only God completes you. Be assured you have always been a completely validated package when you arrived on earth.

Which of these issues have you experienced or overcome? What was the aftermath of seeking a guy’s validation? Leave a comment below, I want to hear from you!

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